5 Ways to Balance Writing with Marriage

by Lori Hatcher @LoriHatcher2

Wide-eyed fiction writer Mike Dellosso didn’t start out as a writer. More science-minded than literary-minded, he’d been a physical therapist assistant for two years before he discovered the joy of expressing himself through the written word. He’d write whenever he could—early in the morning, late at night, and often to the neglect of his wife and children.

“I was a jerk about it,” he said at a recent Word Weavers conference. “Don’t be a jerk.”

Today is my 33^rd wedding anniversary. Like Jan Dellosso, my husband also didn’t marry a writer. He married a dental hygienist who worked eight hours, clocked out, and had nights and weekends free.

Three decades later, however, he’s married to a part-time dental hygienist and a full-time writer. (Just to clarify, these two are one and the same. No polygamy here.) He didn’t sign up for a wife who spends hours gazing off into space, takes her computer to bed (sometimes), and serves fish sticks and tater tots when deadlines loom.

Yet my husband is my greatest supporter. He’s a kind man who’s happy when I’m happy, which is usually when I’m writing. But that doesn’t mean I can be a jerk about it.

Here are five ways I’ve found to balance writing with marriage.

1. Share the highlights, but not every detail.

I can wax eloquent on the nuances of deep POV, the pros and cons of self-publishing, and why it’s imperative to attend certain writers conferences, but I shouldn’t. When my husband starts looking like he does when Aunt Winifred corners him at the family reunion, I need to stop. Just because I’m excited about every little detail doesn’t mean he is. Like horseradish on a roast beef sandwich, less is more.

2. Cultivate writer friends, but not to the exclusion of your spouse.

I’m blessed to have writer friends whose spouses my husband enjoys. When we start chatting about the latest publishing news, they wander off to talk about football. Writer friends give me an outlet for shop talk, which spares my husband (see above). But we also need to cultivate friends who share common, non-writing interests. This gives both of us a much-needed break and varied, valuable experiences, conversations, and perspectives.

3. You gotta live life to write about it.

Professional writing requires diligence and commitment, but not to the exclusion of spending time with family and friends. Often “wasting” time (as in not writing) can make us more productive when we do sit down to write. We have new ideas, fresh experiences from which to draw, and a better outlook. Best of all, we’ve invested in our most important relationships, which is never wasting time.

4. Draw boundaries around your writing time.

Because we love writing, we could do it all day, every day. But like too much chocolate syrup on a sundae (can there be such a thing?), too much of a good thing is, well, not good. Just because you can carry your laptop to bed doesn’t mean you should. (I’m preaching to the choir, here) Just because you can write at the dinner table, on vacation, or in the car (with someone else driving) doesn’t mean you should.

To have a healthy marriage, we must draw appropriate boundaries around our writing time and stick to them. In our home, I write hard whenever my husband is away from the house, but restrict my evening computer time to when he’s watching television or otherwise occupied. If I need extra time because of a deadline, I set my alarm to wake up earlier. This gives me the time I need without robbing my husband of my attention. Occasionally, despite my best efforts, I still need to work overtime. If I’ve done a good job guarding our time together, my husband is usually very understanding.

5. Don’t let writing become an idol.

Our writing, characters, and careers can be very satisfying. Positive reader comments, five-star reviews, and compliments from other writers can be heady—and sometimes more affirming than our in-person, often-messy, real-life relationships. But they cannot and should not take their place.

God has given us two commandments—love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength; and love our neighbors (which includes our spouses) as ourselves. These simple instructions should be the plumb line for how we spend every day. We have no business “writing for God” if we’re neglecting the people he’s placed in our lives. “As you’ve done it to the least of these, my brothers,” he said, “you’ve done it unto me.”

When we stand before him to give an account of our lives, I’m confident God will be more interested in how I’ve treated my spouse, family, and friends than how many books I’ve published.

Now it’s your turn. How do you balance your writing with your marriage? Leave a comment below and join the conversation.

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Don't be a jerk: 5 ways to balance #writing with marriage - tips from @LoriHatcher2 on @EdieMelson (Click to Tweet)

"We have no business #writing for God, if we’re neglecting the people He’s placed in our lives." wisdom from @LoriHatcher2 (Click to Tweet)

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