Wednesday, February 27, 2013

How Writing Ruined My Wife—When did the Grammar Rules Change?

by Kirk Melson



It's my nature to appreciate rules.
As most of you know, I’m an engineer. It’s in my nature to appreciate things that fit within given parameters. So it’s probably no surprise to know that of all the English classes I’ve taken, I enjoyed grammar the most. All those hard and fast rules make writing correctly something easy and more importantly, success definable. It’s the closest someone can get to math in the English department.

At least that was my belief…until my wife entered the world of publishing.

And I have to say ignorance was bliss. I could have continued with my naïve belief, except one day my wife asked me to read something she’d written and give her an opinion.

Be careful, opinion may not mean what you think!
I thought opinion meant she wanted to know what was correct and what wasn’t. (Those of you who are writers please stop giggling.) And I wanted her to find success in the publishing industry, so I proceeded to mark up the article she’d given me. I showed her where commas were needed, where semi-colons should go, and places she’d left out necessary words—like the word THAT. (When did THAT become such a maligned word?) My grammar teacher would have been proud.

I took my time, even though she was in a rush for my opinion, and even used different colored ink so she could see my corrections. I really wanted to do a good job for her. And I was proud of my effort when I handed her back the paper.

So you can imagine my surprise at her response. First her face turned red, then tears gathered in her eyes. Now I can stand almost anything except when she cries. “What’s wrong?” I tried to give her a hug, but she backed away, paper clutched to her chest.

 “You don’t like it!” I could hear the gathering storm in her voice.

I assured her that I did like it. I just wanted to help her with the grammar. Here, things began to go from bad to worse, as broken-hearted turned to insulted and just plain mad.

Am I the only dunce in the room?
I was treated to a diatribe of how the world of publishing viewed grammar. And undoubtedly the grammar teachers I’d had in school were not correct when they’d assured me grammar was a hard and fast science, not given to change or modification.

I also learned the writer’s definition of the words, opinion, critique, and edit. They are three very distinct and different things—NEVER to be confused. Turns out she only wanted to know whether I thought the piece flowed and made sense. She wasn’t even interested in the grammar!

It’s taken a while, but I’ve learned to listen very carefully to what she wants when she asks me to read something. So how about you? Have you ever made the mistake of correcting grammar when asked for an opinion, or am I the only dunce in the room?

17 comments:

  1. Yes, my husband is also an engineer and now when I let him read something for his feedback I tell him to not worry about the commas, etc. I love your posts, Kirk, we wouldn't want to be writers without our supportive spouses.

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    1. Tammie, you are so right. I'd be nowhere without Kirk's support! Thanks so much for stopping by, Blessings, E

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  2. Is your hat one size fits all? Brian did the same thing early on (and I responded much like Edie) but now I welcome his feedback. :)

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    1. Cathy, I love Kirk's feedback now as well. Thanks for stopping by, Blessings, E

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  3. I responded the same way that Edie did when I had a friend read something I'd written. You're right, edit, oppinion and critique are 3 different words and not to be confused. Edie, love you sweet friend!

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    1. Jamie, we all respond that way. I'd love to say it's only when we start, but I still tend to freeze up and get defensive when feedback isn't what I expect. Thanks so much for taking time comment, Blessings, E

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  4. I've learned to tell people exactly what I want. Even have gone so far to say ignore all the grammar and punctuation errors.:) Loved this article--it really hit home. Notice all my grammar errors? LOL

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    1. Kimberly, I'm like you, I've also learned to give very clear directions about what kind of feedback I want. Thanks for taking time to comment! Blessings, E

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  5. No, there are at least two of you. ;)

    But you're in good company. My husband is actually the best editor I have, but that doesn't mean I have to always like what he says.

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    1. Kim, so true. When I want a thorough edit, with any possible mistake highlighted, I go to Kirk. He's especially good with contest submissions, because judges aren't always up on all the standard nuances of publishable fiction. Thanks for dropping by! Blessings, E

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  6. I get where you're coming from,Kirk. I don't have an engineering bone in my body, but grammar has always been my strength. (I even got a scholarship for it in high school!)

    So when I joined Edie's writing group 3 years ago, it surprised me to hear that grammar was less important than I ever thought. Who knew?

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    1. Ellen, LOL! Although grammar is still very important, the rules are different when you're dealing with publishable work. Thanks so very much for dropping by, Blessings, E

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  7. I'm an engineer so you can imagine the arguments I have with myself!

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    1. Oh Sherry, I feel for you! Several of my writing friends have engineering degrees. They definitely have to turn that side of their brains off when they are writing first drafts! Thanks for stopping by, Blessings, E

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  8. My mathematical genius of a hubby is akin to engineering!

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  9. Con't: certainly can ID with Kirk's grammar perfection!
    I also felt like Edie when he would critique a term paper for me! Or a blog. Or an article to the newspaper!
    Finally decided his methods of editing was set in stones,..and stopped asking for his 'written in RED!' It has relieved stress & strain on our marriage!

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    1. Sheri, I've also had to pick and choose when to ask Kirk for a thorough look at what I've written. But he's gotten better about looking for things like the flow and logic of what I've written. Thanks so much for stopping by! Blessings, E

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